How to Win Friends and Influence People

Ninety years of continuous global sales, including enormous readership in India, China and Latin America, on a simple durable thesis: take genuine interest in other people and stop trying to win arguments. Nothing newer in the social skills domain has matched its reach or its hit rate.

The chapter guide

People act from self-interest and from a permanent hunger to feel important, so influence comes from making the other person feel genuinely valued rather than from winning the exchange.

1. Part 1.1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain

   Criticism produces defensiveness and resentment, not behaviour change.

2. Part 1.2: Give honest, sincere appreciation

   Specific, real praise is the cheapest and most powerful social currency there is.

3. Part 1.3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

   Frame every request in terms of what the other person wants, not what you want.

4. Part 2.1: Become genuinely interested in other people

   Curiosity about others earns more friends in two months than two years of trying to be interesting.

5. Part 2.2: Smile

   A warm expression signals safety before a word is spoken.

6. Part 2.3: Remember and use people’s names

   A person’s name is the sweetest sound to them; use it.

7. Part 2.4: Be a good listener; encourage others to talk about themselves

   Let the other person do most of the talking and ask them about themselves.

8. Part 2.5–2.6: Talk in terms of their interests; make them feel important, sincerely

   Enter conversations through the other person’s world and treat their significance as real.

9. Part 3.1–3.2: Avoid arguments; never tell someone they are wrong

   You cannot win an argument; a person convinced against their will keeps their opinion.

10. Part 3.3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

    Beat the other person to your own criticism and the fight evaporates.

11. Part 3.5–3.7: Get ‘yes, yes’ immediately; let them do the talking; let the idea be theirs

    Engineer agreement by sequencing questions and letting the other person arrive at your conclusion.

12. Part 3.8–3.10: See it from their point of view; be sympathetic with their ideas; appeal to nobler motives

    Assume the other person’s position makes sense from where they stand.

13. Part 3.11–3.12: Dramatize your ideas; throw down a challenge

    Make points vivid and turn work into a contest.

14. Part 4.1–4.3: Begin with praise; correct indirectly; mention your own mistakes first

    Deliver criticism inside a frame that keeps the other person’s self-image intact.

15. Part 4.4–4.6: Ask questions instead of giving orders; let them save face; praise the slightest improvement

    Lead with questions and reward small progress generously.

16. Part 4.7–4.9: Give them a reputation to live up to; make the fault seem easy to fix; make them happy to do it

    Set expectations high and frictionless so people rise to them.

17. 1930s anecdotes, all-male exemplars, and the home-life / letters sections

    Period illustrations from American salesmen, executives, and a marriage chapter written in 1936.

Scorecard

Universality

4 of 5

Evidence

3 of 5

Reread value

3 of 5